Detective Doug banged loudly, then threw open the door and came barging into the safe house bedroom.
“Wakey wakey, eggs and bakey, motherfucker!” he yelled.
Jolted awake, Felix’s spindly legs flailed and he rolled off the bag of garbage he had been sleeping on onto the floor. Small pieces of a fast food meal, empty travel-size bottles of booze and the remains of a confiscated joint were on the floor around him.
“Ugh,” Felix groaned. “What the hell now?”
“What now is I have an assignment for you,” Detective Doug said. “Now sober up and come out to the kitchen so we can get to work.”
Sixteen minutes later, Felix flew into the kitchen and landed on the counter. He wobbled over to the coffee maker and leaned up next to it.
“Do I get to work with Detective Debbie on this assignment?” Felix asked. “She bounces in all the right places when she walks. She can handcuff me anytime.”
“Shut up,” Detective Doug replied. “You’ll be solo on this assignment.”
“Shut up,” Detective Doug replied. “You’ll be solo on this assignment.”
“I’ll pass then,” Felix declared. “I’m going back to sleep.”
“Need I remind you,” Detective Doug said, “that the only way you get your sentence commuted, get to rejoin society, and get that ankle bracelet removed is if you cooperate and help us. Which means doing whatever I say. That clear, blood splat?”
“You’re such a buzzkill,” Felix replied. “Why do you hate fun?”
“The Professor is at it again,” Detective Doug said, ignoring Felix. “He’s kidnapped the city’s most famous influencer, BratXYZ, and is holding her for ransom.”
“Gyat!” Felix said. “Brat is a hottie.”
“She’s seventeen,” Detective Doug replied.
“Brat is a fine, upstanding young woman who I have the utmost respect for,” Felix said.
“The Professor is at it again,” Detective Doug said, ignoring Felix. “He’s kidnapped the city’s most famous influencer, BratXYZ, and is holding her for ransom.”
“Gyat!” Felix said. “Brat is a hottie.”
“She’s seventeen,” Detective Doug replied.
“Brat is a fine, upstanding young woman who I have the utmost respect for,” Felix said.
“Not only that,” Detective Doug continued, “the Professor has hijacked her Bratcoin account and has funneled all her money into his account.”
“So, what do you want me to do?” Felix said, his head pressed against the empty glass coffee pot. “Can you make me some coffee?”
“I need you to sneak into the Professor’s lair,” Detective Doug replied, “find out where BratXYZ is, free her, hack into the Professor’s account, and transfer all the Bratcoin back into her account.”
“Is that all?” Felix grumbled.
“I need you to sneak into the Professor’s lair,” Detective Doug replied, “find out where BratXYZ is, free her, hack into the Professor’s account, and transfer all the Bratcoin back into her account.”
“Is that all?” Felix grumbled.
“The Professor supposedly has a new sidekick named Brute, who could be armed and dangerous,” Detective Doug said. “And, you know, it's a lair, so there could be any number of traps and creatures to contend with. Just be careful. I don’t give a flying flip about you, I just need BratXYZ to be back safe so I can take all the credit. I’m up for a promotion.”
“Anything else?” Felix groaned.
“On your way back, could you swing by Krispy Kreme and grab me a half dozen glazed and a caramel latte? Five sugars,” Detective Doug said. “The coffee machine you’re leaning against is broken. Oh, and if you even think about making a run for it, I’ll use your ankle bracelet to track and gun you down. Good luck!”
“On your way back, could you swing by Krispy Kreme and grab me a half dozen glazed and a caramel latte? Five sugars,” Detective Doug said. “The coffee machine you’re leaning against is broken. Oh, and if you even think about making a run for it, I’ll use your ankle bracelet to track and gun you down. Good luck!”
“Fuck my life,” Felix sighed.
After trying but failing to steal the keys to Detective Doug’s police cruiser, Felix managed to get on a bus headed to the Eastern part of town.
He was hungry, and there were no hotties on the bus. So, he landed on the neck of some goth kid with a skateboard in his lap. Felix got enough blood to tide him over until lunch, and leaped away just as the kid jolted awake and slapped his neck.
Felix flew off the bus just as the bus driver closed the door, and flew further East. toward the Professor's lair.
The Professor liked to refer to his lair as his “secret lair”, but it was hardly a secret. Everyone knew where it was and that he lived there. Perched atop a large hill—that the Professor liked to think was a mountain—the lair was part observatory, part laboratory, and part deserted, post-war bunker.
Felix flew past a guard posted at the front gate, made his way up the long driveway, and found a small air vent at the side of the building. He flew in and immediately got a face full of dust and dirt. He emerged into what looked like the main hallway coughing and wiping the dust from his eyes.
The hallway had a bunch of buzzing, glowing lasers beaming from wall to wall. Every few seconds, the lasers would be replaced by a new set, with different angles, heights and positions. Felix kept low to the floor and made his way down the hallway. Toward the end of the hallway, one of the lasers nicked his butt.
“Goddammit!” Felix let out a buzzing yelp. The last time his butt hurt this bad, he was at the mercy of Princess Prince, a reputable non-binary dominatrix who had a habit of forgetting client’s safe words.
Just as Felix reached the end of the hallway, all the lasers turned off and a large, stocky figure moved down the hallway toward him. Felix knew right away this must be Brute, the Professor’s sidekick, that Detective Doug had told him about. He looked like half man-half dog, and was dressed like he was going to the funeral of an estranged cousin of the wife of a mob boss.
Brute pressed the buttons on a keypad, and the metal door slid open. He walked through the door and Felix slipped in close to the floor as the door slid shut behind them. They were now in what looked like a circular, central hub with hallways that went off in all directions.
Tired and irritated, Felix held his sore butt and decided to cut to the chase.
“Hey, lunkhead,” Felix said from the floor. “Can you just save me some time and tell me where BratXYZ is?”
Brute spun in place, hunched with his arms out as he looked around the room and down the various hallways.
Brute spun in place, hunched with his arms out as he looked around the room and down the various hallways.
“Down here, genius,” Felix suggested.
Brute finally looked down and saw him on the floor at the edge of the room.
“Who are you?” Brute said, “and what are you doing here?”
“My name isn’t important,” Felix replied. “And I already told you why I’m here. BratXYZ. Where is she?”
Brute quickly turned and leapt toward the edge of the circular room, into the entrances to one of the hallways. He smashed a large button with the palm of his hand, and the entire floor retracted, revealing a circular pool of thrashing, undulating eels.
Brute quickly turned and leapt toward the edge of the circular room, into the entrances to one of the hallways. He smashed a large button with the palm of his hand, and the entire floor retracted, revealing a circular pool of thrashing, undulating eels.
“Ha ha!” Brute yelled with more of an outdoor voice than was really appropriate.
Felix hovered in mid-air over the pool of eels.
“I can fly,” Felix said, “so, this trap isn’t really going to work on me.”
Baffled, Brute turned and ran off down the hallway.
Felix flew off down a different hallway. There was a large laboratory with many in-progress experiments. Test tubes bubbling, electricity arcing, data screens glowing.
He flew back to the hub and down another hallway into what looked like the Professor’s living quarters. There was a kitchen, living room, and bedroom with a large mirror on the ceiling. Off the bedroom, there was a room with all sorts of contraptions and items that indicated the Professor had some pretty hardcore kinks.
From the central hub, Felix tried the other hallways, and didn’t find anything interesting. He was saving the hallway that Brute had run down for last. But he was distracted by a spiral staircase halfway down one of the hallways.
He flew, spiraling upwards and arrived in the domed upper room which was the observatory. Stairs, a circular walkway and a massive space telescope filled the middle of the massive room. And across the room against the curved wall, next to a desk and computer terminal, sat the influencer BratXYX, a gag in her mouth, her arms tied to a metal chair.
Felix flew over to her. While the site of the gag in her mouth sent nasty thoughts through his mind, he repeated “she’s seventeen” over and over to himself. He flew up to her, grabbed the tube sock with his legs and flew backward, pulling it out of her mouth.
Felix flew over to her. While the site of the gag in her mouth sent nasty thoughts through his mind, he repeated “she’s seventeen” over and over to himself. He flew up to her, grabbed the tube sock with his legs and flew backward, pulling it out of her mouth.
Her eyes opened, she gasped, blinked and looked at Felix.
“You’re who they sent to save me?” Brat said with a disappointed look on her face, her every thought about every thing filtered by the optics and how it would look to her followers.
“I can just leave, if you’re having a good time here,” Felix replied.
“No, no, please—get me out of here,” Brat demanded.
Felix hadn’t seen or heard Brute sneak up behind him. The Professor’s sidekick was holding a net rifle and fired it at Felix. The flying net wrapped around him, trapped his wings, and caused him to fall to the floor with a tiny thud.
“How’s that for a trap?” Brute said. “Much better than the eels.”
“My hero,” Brat said in an extremely sarcastic tone to Felix, who was trapped on the floor under the heavy net, along with all hope he was going to save Brat and get out of this situation alive. In a daze on the floor, he pictured himself with tiny cement shoes, surrounded by eels, dead at the bottom of the eel trap pool.
But then, after some amount of time went by, he looked up and saw something amazing and unexpected.
Brat had convinced Brute to untie her. And they were now standing on the raised circular walkway near the telescope as she taught Brute the latest TikTok dance.
“What the Jojo Siwa—” Felix said to himself.
Shaking his head, Felix wiggled out from under the net, flew up behind Brute and made eye contact with Brat. Somehow with just a look, they both understood the plan.
Felix quickly flew up and bit Brute in the neck. When Brute went to slap his neck, Felix moved out of the way. But the movement threw Brute off balance, and when he stumbled toward the railing of the walkway, Brat gave him a shove and he tumbled over the railing and fell down onto the metal floor.
“Teamwork makes the dream work,” Felix said.
“What?” Brat replied.
“Nevermind,” Felix groaned.
Just then, the Professor appeared behind them on the floor holding a laser gun.
“There’s my little hostage,” the Professor said. “How on Earth did you get free?” He looked over and saw Brute splayed on the floor below them. “Oh, that’s not good.”
As luck would have it, Felix was behind Brat and the Professor didn’t see him.
“I’ll be back,” he whispered to Brat, as he flew away from her, down behind the walkway and around behind the professor. He quickly formulated a plan and put it into action.
Felix spiraled down to the hallway below and returned to the hub and the pool of eels. He quickly jumped on the back of one of the eels and bit into it. He sucked as much eel’s blood as he could into his mouth, and then flew back up to the observatory.
When he returned, he saw that the Professor had backed Brat up against the wall near the computer terminal. In one quick move, Felix swooped in, bit the Professor on the back of the neck and vomited all the eel’s blood into the bite wound.
“Ouchy McFuckMe!” the Professor wailed. Felix ducked out of the way as the Professor slapped his neck. Within a few moments, the Professor had fallen to the floor and was writhing around like an eel.
“You okay?” Felix asked Brat.
“Can we go now?” Brat replied.
“Just one more thing,” Felix insisted, and flew over in front of the Professor’s face.
“How did you find my secret lair?” the Professor mumbled.
“Not a secret,” Felix replied. “Voter registration, the internet company, UberEats—everyone knows where you live.”
“And how did you climb all the way up the mountain and find me?” the Professor asked.
“Not a mountain,” Felix replied. “It's more like a hill. My grandmother could walk up here if both her wings were broken, if she was still alive. Hey, what’s your password? I need it to deposit more Bratcoin into your account.”
“Six nine six nine six nine,” the Professor said in a daze, foam dripping out of his mouth.
Felix went to the computer terminal, and with a couple clicks reversed all the transactions the Professor had made. The stolen Bratcoin was back in Brat’s account, and the Professor’s account was at zero.
“Thanks, little insect guy,” BratXYZ said—pretending to be nice since Felix had returned all her money—and reluctantly gave him a kiss on his furry head.
“Its Felix, and you’re welcome,” Felix replied, repeating “she’s seventeen” over and over in his mind to make sure no legally actionable words came out of his dumb mouth.
After BratXYZ’s limo picked her up, with no offer of a ride back into the city, Felix flew back to the bus stop and waited. He thought of ditching Detective Doug and his lousy life and running away. But there was the matter of the ankle bracelet. But now that he had done everything Detective Doug asked, maybe his sentence would be commuted and he would be free.
Back at the safe house, Detective Doug thanked Felix and went on and on about his possible promotion, and how he deserved it over Detective Steve who was an entitled, whiny nepo-baby—his father being the Chief of Police—who couldn’t catch Covid if a red-capped airline stewardess sneezed on him.
“I did what you asked,” Felix said. “Am I free now?”
“You have my Krispy Kreme order?” Detective Doug asked.
“Uh, no,” Felix said. “I was kind of busy saving famous hostages and returning stolen money.”
“Well, you’ll have to listen to instructions and do better on the next mission,” Detective Doug replied.
Felix spent the rest of the night getting drunk and having highly inappropriate thoughts about BratXYX in his room. His laughter and crying eventually turned into snoring as he fell asleep on the bag of garbage.
Out on the dimly-lit street, in a late-model black sedan, Brute sat next to the Professor, who looked out the passenger window staring at the safe house.
“This isn’t the last you’ve seen of me, Felix the Gnat,” the Professor said. “You may have infiltrated my secret lair, but you’ll never foil the dastardly plans I have in store.”
“The lair isn’t really all that secret,” Brute said quietly.
